He used to be a chef once <br />of far and wide flung fame <br />and now he is an army cook <br />a blinking lousy game <br /> <br />They shoved him in the mess first <br />with A.T.S. about <br />they ruined all the rations <br />but he was scrubbing out <br /> <br />They shoved him with the spuds then <br />and left him there to rot <br />the others done the rations in <br />who didn't know a lot <br /> <br />Bert dreamed of untold glory <br />and stripes as well to wear <br />he dreamed of spotless kitchens <br />and all his hopes so dear <br /> <br />He finished off his training <br />to a unit he was sent <br />and wonder over wonder <br />to the cookhouse he was lent <br /> <br />The sergeant who was in charge there <br />gave him a nasty look <br />and said 'you aint much of a soldier <br />but can you really cook? ' <br /> <br />Bert then came to attention <br />his eyes grew rather dim <br />his answer was a question <br />'Do you think a fish can swim? ' <br /> <br />He was left to his pots and pans then <br />his eyes were shining bright <br />he started a seven course dinner <br />with his hands so deft and light <br /> <br />Hors d'oerves were his first thought <br />and then a soup so clear <br />and after that the fish course <br />and roasts and veg to cheer <br /> <br />Well, everything was ready <br />and Bert he looked so smart <br />and that's where it happened <br />and here it broke his heart <br /> <br />An old sweat was the first one <br />of mess tins he had two <br />he put the whole damn lot in one <br />and Bert what did he do <br /> <br />For first of all he fainted <br />and when he came around <br />with a face as white as death's own head <br />he gave a two foot bound <br /> <br />He called the sweat all silly fools <br />and other things as well <br />The soldier, he just turned about <br />and said ' you go to hell' <br /> <br />There was a military funeral <br />when Bert got laid to rest <br />he cut his throat with a carving knife <br />and gave the army best <br /> <br />The moral of this whole affair <br />it is quite clear to glean <br />you must teach people walking first <br />before they learn to swim<br /><br />Nita Strauss<br /><br />http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-story-of-bert-the-cook/
