I'm trying not to think too much, <br />Trying not to analyze or dwell on the what ifs, <br />Trying to just get through the next minute, <br />The next hour, the next day <br />With all my faculties intact. <br />Wiping my mind clean of all my foolish mistakes. <br />I thought when I hit forty, <br />I'd be smarter, wiser-less likely <br />To fall flat on my face. <br />It just seems that my mistakes <br />Are just grander and more spectacular. <br />God, I hate feeling like a fool. <br />And having no one to blame but myself <br />Just makes it worse. <br />I am fighting the part of me that wants <br />To curl up into a ball and die, <br />The part of me that wants to cover up pain <br />With food and sex and alcohol, <br />The part of me that wants to revert back to form, <br />And live in the dark where it is comfortable. <br />I lay flat on the floor and count my breaths <br />And empty my mind of every thought, or try... <br />But there you are again, <br />And I am so frustrated that I can't shake you <br />Out of my head, and be rid of you for good, <br />I just want to scream. <br />Words that should never have been said, <br />Words I never wanted to hear <br />Are on a loop in my head and I wish <br />I could erase them, wipe them clean <br />From my mind so I could just move on and forget <br />That you ever existed at all. <br />For now, I would settle, for a minute <br />Of not thinking about you.<br /><br />Sandra Brennan<br /><br />http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/not-thinking/
