I've read a lot of Mark Twain, and this passage from his earliest book is as FUNNY as anything he ever wrote. <br /><br />He wrote passages that were EQUALLY funny, but this is as good as anything Twain wrote in the way of comical prose. <br /><br />This is called "Our Guide in Genoa" on the Victor disc that made this available to listeners in the World War I year (Twain had died several years earlier). <br /><br />From Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad--that means Samuel L. Clemens is the author <br /><br />Reader is William Sterling Battis <br /><br />Victor 35563 <br /><br />1916 <br /><br />The guides in Genoa are delighted to secure an <br />American party, for Americans feel so much in <br />sentiment and emotion before any relic of Columbus. <br /><br />Our guide there fidgeted about as if he <br />had swallowed a spring mattress. <br /><br />“Ah, come wis me, genteelmen!--come! I show you <br />ze letter, ze letter written by Christopher Colombo! <br />He write it himself!--he write it in his own hand!” <br /><br />A stained and aged document was spread before us. <br /><br />“What I tell you, genteelmen! Is it not so? See! The <br />handwriting of Christopher Colombo!--he write it himself!” <br /><br />"Now, ah, what did you say was the name <br />of the party what writ this?" <br /><br />“Christopher Colombo, great Christopher Colombo!” <br /><br />“Ah, did he write it himself--or how?” <br /><br />“Oh, yea, he write it himself! Christopher Colombo! <br />His own handwriting, written by himself!” <br /><br />“Why, I have seen boys in America only fourteen <br />years old what could write better than that." <br /><br />"But this is the great Christo..." <br /><br />"I don't care who it is. It's the worst writing I ever <br />saw. Now you musn't think you can impose on us <br />because we're strangers. We're not fools by a good <br />deal. If you got any specimen of penmanship of <br />real merit, you trot it out! If you haven't, drive off!" <br /><br />"Ah, genteelmen, come with me! I show you <br />beautiful, O, magnificent bust of Christopher <br />Colombo! -- splendid, grand, magnificent! <br />Beautiful bust and beautiful pedestal!" <br /><br />"What do you think of this?" <br /><br />"Now, what did you say this gentleman's name was?" <br /><br />"Christopher Colombo! Ze great, ze great Colombo!" <br /><br />"Christopher Colombo. Well, what did he do?" <br /><br />"He discover America!" <br /><br />"Discover America? No, sir. That statement won't wash. Why, we <br />are just from America ourselves. We heard nothing about it. <br />Christopher Colombo, eh? Well, that's a pleasant name. Is he dead?" <br /><br />"Oh, corpo di Baccho! -- three hundred year!" <br /><br />"What did he die of?" <br /><br />"I do not know! I can not tell." <br /><br />"Small-pox, think?" <br /><br />"I do not know, genteelmen! I do not know what he die of." <br /><br />"Measles, likely?" <br /><br />"Maybe -- maybe -- I do not know. I think he die of something." <br /><br />"Parents living?" <br /><br />"Im-poseeeble!" <br /><br />"Now -- which is the bust and which is the pedestal?" <br /><br />"Ah, Santa Maria! Zis ze bust, and zis ze pedestal!" <br /><br />"Oh, I see, I see -- happy combination -- very happy combination. <br />Is this the first time this gentleman was ever on a bust?" <br /><br />NOW THE MUMMY: <br /><br />"What did I understand you to say the gentleman's name was?" <br /><br /><br />
