http://www.LeeBobBlack.com Lee Bob Black reading fiction at KGB Bar, East Village, NYC, January 27, 2012, as part of the Paragraph member’s reading series. http://www.ParagraphNY.com http://www.KGBBar.com “Lights, Idiots, Intimacies.” Some old and cheap cars only have one “communal” warning light. When this tiny red light in your dashboard shines and blinks, it means: WARNING! Your brake fluid is perilously low and your brakes might not work and you might die! Or it means: WARNING! Your engine’s overheating and your car might explode! But how can you determine the light’s actual message? You can’t.The car’s “brain” monitors dozens of things, but the light only warns you that something is wrong, not what. These are called idiot lights--because you don’t have to be a mechanic to know that something’s wrong; even an idiot can understand that. When the idiot light flickers, you have options. You can pull over and tinker under the hood. Or: You can drive on, and turn the radio on, and stick masking tape over the problem--the light itself. I’m a lazy son of bitch. But I enjoy inversing this by claiming that I’m really just a risk-taker. I’d rather risk running the car to within an inch of its life, than take it to a repair shop. “Preventative care” for my wheels? Not bloody likely. I don’t floss. I walk across streets with my headphones blaring, and I’ve never had health insurance. And what if the idiot light is winking red because the car’s “brain” is a hypochondriacand it merely believes there’s a problem? Maybe the red light’s telling me that the gas cap isn’t screwed on tight enough. I mean, who fuking cares? Some problems don’t need fixing. In my relationship with my girlfriend, the idiot light occasionally comes on-- WARNING! --and I know, goddamn it, that I should shut the fuk up, that I should disengage from the argument, that I should breathe deeply. In those girlfriend-boyfriend moments when I know that something is amiss, even though I can’t put my finger on it, I know that I’m at a crossroads. I can go left or go right. Or: I can choose to continue, or choose to stop. And I’m not just talking about that particular argument. I’m talking about the whole relationship enchilada. When the relationship idiot light blinks red in the corner of my vision, I know that I need to be compassionate to myself and to her, that if I escalate the fight or push how I’m right and “demonstrate” how she’s not only intellectually irrational but she’s also emotionally irrational, then I’ll just get angrier and become more of an inconsiderate asshole and something untoward will happen, like I’ll throw something, maybe a fist or two into a door or into an otherwise gorgeous girlfriend’s face. Sometimes the relationship idiot light tells me that I should stop dissecting her explanations, that I should leave the room, down a glass of cold water, go for a quick dash-walk ’round the ’hood, and listen to the Eagles of Death Metal with my headphones on full blare and walk across streets without checking for traffic and I should Fantasize about headlining in classy women-positive porn, and I should reassure myself by telling myself sweet nothings like, “It must be hard to be a woman. I’m so glad I was born with a dick.” But maybe I’m completely misreading the relationship idiot light. What if I believe that it’s blinking because something’s wrong with her, but it’s really blinking because something’s wrong with me? Maybe it’s urging me to admit that I’m sorry. What if it’s got nothing to do with right and wrong, but that there’s something new to learn here? What if it’s actually a relationship intimacy light? Might it be trying to tell us that we are rubbing up against our vulnerabilities? What if the light’s reminding us that we can be sensitive here, now? What if the light actually means that if I stay here with her, then our relationship might be fuller? What if it’s on to reject the idea that this particular argument should be interpreted as an emotional problem, that instead it’s shining to tip us off that this is an emotional opportunity? Written by Lee Bob Black. http://www.LeeBobBlack.com
